Thanks everybody. Please have a seat. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome one and all. Welcome to the late show. I’m your host Steven Colbear. I’m sorry. I meant to say welcome to the Emmy Late Show. [Applause] Thank you very much. Very kind. Thank Hello. Thank you very much everybody. Please, because I said because on Sunday night on Sunday night we won our first Emmy for outstanding talk series.Man, I’m telling you, I we we we should have gotten cancelled years ago. This award I’m sorry. Let me have that there. There, Marcus. This award belongs This award belongs to all 200 of the incredibly hardworking people who make this show. First and foremost, the writers of this show who That’s right. That’s right. Every day.

Come on. Every day who they take down everything I say during the show [Laughter] just so that there’s a script at the end of the night as a souvenir for everybody. is incredible. They do it every day, but they don’t do it alone. The stage crew, production staff, talent, segment, editors, the band, whole, field, control room, props, graphics, research, footage, digital, accounting, legal, wardrobe, makeup, security, maintenance, assistance, and interns.

and and of course the audience department who let in all of you gorgeous people every night because you you the audience you people here you people out there you are the ones who ultimately make this show possible so this belongs to you too but I’m going to keep it and if anyone so much as touches it I will jab your eyes out with the wings right there I just go and pop them out like I’m pitting an olive.

 Okay, I’m so grateful to everyone at the academy who voted for us and to the Emmy producers for the flattering lighting that made me look so much younger on Sunday night. And I want to toss a bouquet of admiration to the other nominees in our category, my dear friends, John Stewart and Jimmy Kimmel.

 These two fellas, old friends, unbelievably talented, so lovely, just just two princes. Kimmel even put up a four-year consideration billboard. And this is real. That said, I’m voting for Steven. That is so nice. That’s so nice. That is lovely. You know what? Fair is fair. To pay him back, next year I’m going to do the exact same thing.

Speaking of Emmys, uh Donald Trump doesn’t have one. Also, right now, right now, he’s out of the country making his second making his second state visit to the UK. But for a state visit, Trump’s going to be keeping a surprisingly low profile. He’s going to be at Windsor Castle behind closed doors, far from massive planned protests and without delivering a traditional address to potential critics in Parliament.

 In fact, he’s so unpopular over there that on the Windsor Castle grounds, and this is true, protesters laid out this colossal banner of Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein. That is huge. Did you see how how big it is? What are they going to do with it after Trump’s state visit? Children, we have a donation of a very unfortunate parachute for today’s gym class.

 Every Oh, no. Get out of there. Get out of there. Now, instead, Trump will be uh visiting the royal family, including King Charles. I cannot wait to see those two together. So, Charles, let me get this part straight. You cheated on your ex-wife with an older woman. Is that Is that even legal? Is that like driving on the wrong side of the road? Trump’s very excited about meeting the king.

It’s an honor to have him, Miss King. You know, he’s a I think he represents the country so well. I’ve watched. He’s such an elegant gentleman. He’s such an elegant gentleman with his with his top hat and his monle and his little cane. Nope. Wait, that’s Mr. Peanut. Hold on. Oh god. Who did I just eat? While Trump is over there, he’ll be treated to an opulent banquet in Windsor Castle and a carriage ride through the grounds of Windsor Castle.

 Oh, the pageantry. He’s just like Cinderella, but good luck slipping the glass slipper on those cankles. Now then after the dinner after Windsor Castle he gets to go to the Star Wars experience and buy a custom lightsaber. Now uh the visit is officially to discuss trade or as the White House put it to highlight and renew the special relationship between the United States and the United Kingdom.

 Yes, the special relationship which is hard to define but I think it looks a little something like this. That’s it right there. There’s the with this trip and this particular trip to the How we doing? Little over a little bit. With his trip to the UK, Trump gets a muchneeded break from the hard work of going after anyone who dares criticize him about anything.

 We learned today that Trump filed a defamation lawsuit against the New York Times for 15 billion dollars, which explains why today’s Wordle was a-hole. Trump got it in four. In four, got it in four. Trump is also using the horrifying assassination of Charlie Kirk to go after folks who disagree with him. Before the FBI even had a suspect, Trump blamed the radical left.

 And since then, he and his allies have sought to link the murder without evidence to coordinated left-wing terror movement funded by progressive and liberal charities. Yeah. At this point, you have to assume that all charities are fronts for terror. And they try to get away without getting caught.

 That’s why the meals are on wheels. [Laughter] [Applause] Just listen. Just listen to JD Vance yesterday. While our side of the aisle certainly has its crazies, it is a statistical fact that most of the lunatics in American politics today are proud members of the far left. And it is a statistical fact that JD Vance yanked that statistic right out of his stat crack.

And they don’t they don’t want you to know that he’s making this kind of stuff up. In fact, over the weekend, the Department of Justice deleted a study showing that domestic terrorists are most often right-wing. But but RFK Jr. says that what really killed the study was the measles vaccine. One Trump lackeyy’s job might get deleted in the wake of this terrible assassination because according to Fox News, knives are out for embattled FBI director Cash Patel.

 In fact, is this true? We have a photo of Patel seeing that headline. Folks, folks are uh folks are mad at Patel on both sides of the aisle. simply because he sucks at his job. For for instance, last week, okay, this terrible things happened. He prematurely announced on social media that the FBI had nabbed the suspect, which they had not.

 And then we learned that as the hunt for Charlie Kirk’s assassin unfolded, Patel posted that series of bungled tweets from Ryos, one of New York City’s most exclusive Italian restaurants. I’m I’m told we also have a photo of Patel learning that he messed up. Look at that. Yesterday, Trump also announced that the United States had sunk a second Venezuelan boat.

 Trump was asked, they did one like two weeks ago and then another one last week. Trump was asked about one of the two sinkings this weekend and he defended it like this. What’s illegal are the drugs that were on the boat and the drugs that are being sent into our country and the fact that 300 million people died last year from drugs. That’s what’s illegal.

I hope I I hope that’s illegal cuz that’s a lot of people. In fact, it would mean nearly 90% of the current US population, about 340 million people, died from drug overdoses last year, which would explain why we appear to be in hell. We’re all dead and we’re in hell right now. But I I found an angel to put that level to put that level of dumb into perspective.

 He is saying that 300 million Americans died of drug overdoses last year when last year only 62 million people died in the entire world. Where the hell did he get those numbers out of JD Vance stat crack? It is a statistical fact. The US government has so far provided zero evidence that the boats they blowed up real good were carrying drugs.

 Might have been, but we don’t know. But it’s having an effect. As the president told reporters, there are very few boats out in the water. There are not a lot of boats out on the water. I can’t imagine why. Not even fishing folk. There’s nobody. Nobody wants to go take a fish. Yes. Nobody. Meanwhile, I drank a lot of Diet Coke today and I got to go take a fish right now.

And it’s that’s what that’s what it’s called. That that is what it’s that is what it’s called. When you pee and a little fish comes out of there. We got a great show for you tonight. My guests are Brandy Carile and Chef Samin Nosat. When we come back, meanwhile, join us. [Music] Yeah.